We worship your music.
I always just feel as if it's a letdown.
Whatever we do after that introduction is a letdown.
They're not real those crowds.
They are.
They're standing outside.
That's a live feed.
Wow.
That's a live feed from Parliament Square.
Jeepers.
We're broadcasting, this is Adam and Joe by the way, we're broadcasting live from the top of Nelson's Column inside a glass booth.
in the centre of London town, where we are receiving through the airwaves all the best unsigned music from across Europe.
I've got a cola burp coming up.
Have you got a little cola burp?
Sorry listeners, that's not very nice is it?
But that's to prove that I do this podcast powered by Coca-Cola.
Fuelled by fizzy fun.
It's got me excited.
Wow.
I'm also going to be talking to you about Courtney Love's dramatic weight loss.
Yeah, to you and our friends, our listening friends.
Courtney loves dramatic weight loss.
She's fascinating.
She fascinates me.
Also weight loss in general and beach bodies.
I'm fascinated by beach bodies and the progress that people are making with their beach bodies.
Let's get on with some music.
Why not?
This is a band from the UK, from Glasgow.
They're called The Blimp.
This is called In A Hurry.
The Blimp with In A Hurry.
He really was in a hurry.
Do you think he was late for a band rehearsal session?
Band practice.
And the band got really angry with him?
He turned it round and made it into a song.
So by the end of the session they were like look Derek I was really angry with you at the beginning of this session but you've really turned it around and now that anger has become a great song.
He is hailing from the Bobcat Goldthwait school of vocal performance there.
You know, that's what all rock and roll singing should be like.
I'm sticking my neck out.
Wow.
It all should all be like that.
It all should all be like that.
All should all be.
All should all be.
He's a Muslim cleric, isn't he?
All should all be.
What do you mean all singing should be like that?
You know, it's because it's the essence, the quintessence of rock.
You know, to talk like that and to be like a kind of gay man.
I think it would be bad if all rock singing was like that.
I think it would be good.
You see?
Well, you've won me over.
What a convincing argument.
You're right.
Because, like, think of a song, right?
Think of a song.
OK.
Got one.
Now you have to tell me what it is.
I didn't really have one.
Oh, you lied to me.
Think of a song.
OK.
Well, what about The Look of Love by ABC?
wrong you see you've proved your theory wrong no that's correct that was only wrong you enjoyed that think of another song uh okay um only you by uh yazoo you're hysterical today that's that was good though that was better than the original wasn't it you're right yeah you're right just for fear of you i'm gonna say you're right
How's your beach body coming?
Presumably that's what Courtney Love was thinking when she launched into her dramatic weight loss programme.
Because I don't know if you saw, Courtney Love was wandering around late last year, early this year, looking quite heavy, you know.
Do you know what I'm saying?
She was on, she was on Crazy Russell Brand's TV show earlier this year.
looking a tiny bit chop chopsy looking a little bit porkalicious and you know still like a delightful person but maybe just she'd been eating too many sausages with mash and also beer on top of the mash and then some sugar Courtney Love appears in this article in Grazia which you told me was now the number one selling ladies man I think it's pronounced grazie grazie yes grazie
Thank you, that's nice.
Prego.
And she is talking about the fact that... I once did an Italian Vogue shoot weighing 13 stone and it was beyond humiliating, says Courtney Love, acknowledging her weight has yo-yoed throughout the years.
At one point, Courtney's weight skyrocketed to 13 stone 9 pounds.
I binged on macrobiotic food, she says.
I thought because it was healthy, I could eat all the macro desserts I wanted.
After dieting back to her normal weight of 11 stone, she realised it wasn't enough.
I thought size 12 was fine, she continues.
This is an actual accurate impression of Courtney Love incidentally.
But then I noticed that the best dressed lists were always full of size 6s or 4s.
People like Vivienne Westwood would send me things that wouldn't fit because they were sample sizes.
I couldn't go to red carpet events because I didn't fit into the clothes.
A decade ago, director Milos Forman asked her to lose two stone for her role in The People vs. Larry Flint.
The Atkins diet is horrible for your kidneys, but if I didn't lose it, Nicole Kidman was gonna get the part, and there's no freaking way that was gonna happen!
So basically, Courtney Love seems to me one of the most unstable people on the planet.
Well, she's just an average lady.
Do you reckon that an average lady... I reckon that women's heads are being attacked by these kinds of publications.
You know, if I'm travelling on the underground, Adam Buxton, and I see a woman reading Grazia, Heat, Now, or any woman's magazine,
Titles?
No, Titles is alright, actually.
Titles is the exception.
Anything but Titles.
I feel a bit sad for that one.
Spritzer?
Spritzer's alright, because it's got a very good problems page.
I know what you mean, though, and I agree with you.
I feel a bit sad.
Yeah, but I thought Grazia was supposed to be part of a new vanguard of semi-intelligent mags.
Grazia is exactly the same as any other idiotic women's mag, only it's got a stylish, classy font.
Right.
The only difference is the font.
But it's kowtowing to the most outrageously low quality... If you're a woman and you read Grazia, you're rotting your brain.
You're rotting your lady brain.
Oh, where is the lady brain?
Well, we all know where a lady's brain is.
It's in her heart.
It's in her heart!
That's why if you kill a lady in her heart... If you cut a woman's head off she'll still try and hug you.
It's true.
It's alright.
She can't speak obviously, she's got no head.
It's just the bubbling blood.
Which adds warmth.
It's so warm.
Shall we have some more music?
I think we better.
This is a band.
Hey, this is a good band for ladies.
Yeah.
This is a couple of women who don't read Grazia magazine.
They formed a little band called Exit.
And this is a song called Sometimes.
And this is from the UK.
Yeah, it's really good that Exit, that they're a UK group.
We don't know much about them.
All we know is that we like that song a lot.
Speculate.
about them.
I'd say there are a couple of girls that may be from some estate in North London and they've put that together either in a friend's studio or maybe in a local studio.
They're accomplished lyricists.
What kind of stage names do you think they have?
Glamoury pee and glittery pee.
Do you think if you drank a whole load of glitter you'd have glittery pee?
Yeah.
Good, just checking.
But quite, you know, I listen to quite a lot of that stuff, you know.
Do you?
Yeah, I like to watch Channel U. Oh, what's that?
Channel U is a channel on Sky, the Sky Digital Digibox.
Channel U has loads of videos made by young people who live often in difficult circumstances.
Oh, they're my favourite kind of young people.
Yes, and they like to rap and they make rap videos in their hoods or their ends.
Oh my gosh.
And they write lyrics about their lives.
Right.
Yes.
And some of it's very expressive and imaginative.
And this all comes out of their ends.
It all comes out of their ends, yes.
It's marvellous.
And that's quite a good example there from Exit.
You know what, can I just say, loving the song,
Now this is going to sound a little snobby, so I want you to hit me really hard in the face if it does, okay?
But I can't help imagining Kathy Burke when they're singing there as Waynetta Slob.
You know what I'm saying?
Those kind of North London accents going there.
That's my problem though, isn't it?
You've really betrayed the hood.
I'm really sorry.
I just can't help it.
You're not coming up in my ends anymore.
I'm smoking a fag.
That's so... That's what I imagined them saying.
It's a terrible, terrible thing to say.
I'm really sorry.
I'm snob doggy dog.
I think what we need to lift us out of that slightly troubling area that we were just paddling around in is some
Delightful sounding Mika style pop.
Ian, it's Mika, right?
Mika, yeah.
Mika went to our school.
Did he?
Yeah.
No, he never.
Yeah, he did never, did.
He did.
But we went to a posh school.
Yeah, Mika went to it.
Wow.
Yeah.
He's quite considerably younger than us.
We're in our late 50s.
But he did go to the same school as us.
And that's exciting, isn't it, when you discover that someone in the public eye went to the same school as you, right?
Because why is it exciting?
Because you imagine them maybe wearing the same uncomfortable school trousers, sitting in the same seats, maybe scratching a bit of obscene graffiti next to a bit of obscene graffiti that you scratched on the desk years ago.
Maybe just reading the obscene graffiti that I wrote.
and getting excited.
Or maybe he dreamed of one day being like us.
That's probably true.
He thought, Adam and Joe went to this school, maybe one day I'll be like them.
That's what Shane McGowan thought.
He said, maybe I'll start with a smash hit, globally smash hit album as rung one on the ladder and then keep climbing until he gets to our level.
That's almost certainly true.
Anyway, that's Mika.
This... This isn't Mika.
Is not Mika.
This is Yuno.
Spelt with a Y. Yeah, enjoy.
That's Yuno with It's Not Getting Better.
Oh, do you think that's a medical complaint he's got there?
Probably.
It's a very slick song, though.
It's not very... You know, it's a worrying thing when things don't get better.
Yeah, you should always consult your doctor if things haven't cleared up.
How long would you leave it before going to a doctor?
What is it?
Well, let's say, just for the sake of politeness, an ingrowing toenail.
No, let's not say that.
Let's say it's a cut on your foot that doesn't seem to be healing.
I would leave a cut on my foot that doesn't seem to be healing a month.
A month?
Yeah.
Is it bleeding?
No, it's just painful.
Yeah, a month.
Right.
Yeah.
And then after that... After that, cut it off.
Seek medical advice.
Cut the foot off.
So that's our advice for you know there.
If it doesn't seem to be getting better after a month, you should really pop off to the doctor.
You know, that's a very polished track.
You could hear that being played on Capitol Radio, maybe.
I'm not saying they actually play it, but one could imagine it being played.
Yes.
You know, getting into the top ten.
But it wouldn't be what it is without those cool synth sounds, right?
Unusual.
And it seems to me a lot of music these days to quite a large extent relies on the musicians, not necessarily their musical genius, but just on getting hold of really cool sounds.
Good little wobbly sounds.
Now I was watching a thing last night about Damon Orban and Jamie, is he called Hewlett?
Yeah.
Putting on this production of Monkey.
Oh, that's right.
Did you watch that?
No, I didn't.
It was quite a good documentary all about them.
But to get the correct Chinese sounds, right, because the story of Monkey is set in China, he got in three amazingly rare instruments.
Right.
One of them was like, I don't know what it's called, it's like a glass harmonium.
But it's basically a musical instrument that is the equivalent of playing glasses, you know, when you fill them with water and run your finger around the top of them.
Have you ever seen one of those?
No.
And basically it's like a big glass tube that simulates the edges of glasses and the whole thing rotates and it's got different widths of glass so you just run your fingers along the top of it as it rotates, wet them and run them along the top and it makes these amazing glassy sounds.
Wow.
Another thing he'd done was invent an instrument that was inspired by a visit to China he had.
He was lying on his hotel bed, he had his DAC recorder, and he put the microphone out of the window and just listened to the sound of the amazing traffic in China.
All the amazing car horns and stuff.
So he had Gavin Turk design an instrument to replicate these traffic noises.
Wait, is the traffic in China that much more different to traffic in other countries?
Why?
Because there's many different types of vehicle.
Chinese traffic?
Bicycles, rickshaws, mopeds, taxis, buses, they've all got old style air horns.
Honking?
Yeah, honky, different types of honky tonkness.
So they invented this amazing instrument which has hundreds of car horns on it that are all activated by a keyboard.
so you can kind of play the traffic.
That sounds like the Muppet Phone.
Do you remember the Muppet Phone?
I do remember the Muppet Phone, yeah, with the little furry guys.
Yeah, they were all lined up.
Hitting them with a hammer.
And one of them, yeah, it was Gonzo, was it?
Ow, ow, ow.
Exactly.
Ow, ow, ow.
Ooh, ow, ee, ow, ooh, ow.
The Muppet Phone's genius.
You could do that with kids.
Can you invent a new instrument?
I'm saying, do it with kids.
A Kidder Phone.
A Kidder Phone, and you just hit them.
What are you hitting them with?
Well, just a, you know, like a fist or a hammer.
And then they make sounds.
You've got children as well.
Yeah.
No, listen, I'm joking, obviously.
You would only push them or tease them, upset them, and then they'd cry at different frequencies.
I'm still joking.
What would the new instrument be?
I don't know.
A wink-a-phone.
A wink-a-phone?
Yeah, I spoke before thinking.
I don't know what a wink-a-phone is.
What about a fertiliser?
Well, that's tempting, isn't it?
Some sort of device that could be put in the anus to harness the noises that come thenceforth.
The power of stinky wind.
I was on holiday with a friend.
Were you?
Yeah.
Well done, man.
This friend made more noises.
than anyone I've ever encountered before.
Does that ever get on your tits?
When you're with a friend and you're in an environment where it should be quite quiet but they just make a lot of... What kind of noises are we talking about?
Burping.
Oh yeah.
A lot of sighing.
A lot of chewing.
He started to fart.
He got too relaxed on this holiday.
Yeah.
And started to fart unannounced.
Wow.
Just in social situations.
That's very relaxed.
That's crossing a line with me.
A little bit.
Isn't it with you?
Well, I always, I mean, I think I always apologize or excuse myself.
Or leave the room.
After, yeah, exactly.
Even after a burp, I'll excuse myself in company, you know, even with my wife or whatever.
This guy didn't.
That's outrageous.
It started getting on my tits a bit.
I'm sure it did.
So I said to him, I said, you're like some kind of organic musical instrument this morning.
Trying not to sound aggressive.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, I'm not complaining, I said, but...
There's an incredible range of noises coming out of you today.
I can imagine you saying that.
You look quite insulted.
I'm there.
And it became a bit of an issue.
Oh my god.
For the rest of the holiday.
What a lunatic.
You're like a walking, both of you, you're like a walking episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.
It does get on my tits, especially in a confined space.
There's only a certain amount of breathable air in a room.
Yeah.
And if someone is pumping out gob stink, bum stink,
Is there any other type of stink?
Oh, I tell you what else was happening.
His stomach was making the most incredible noises.
That's something that happens as you get a bit older, I think.
You break wind more the older you get, right?
Isn't that true?
Probably, yeah.
I'm sure I didn't used to break wind as much as I do now when I was younger.
Maybe he just needs to sort his diet out, you know.
It was making incredible noises.
You couldn't tell what the noises were, eventually where they were coming from.
Was that a fart?
Was it a rumble?
Was it a burp?
He was like a pair of human bagpipes.
Do you know what I wanted to do?
One night I just wanted to pop into his bedroom and stick a pin in him.
Just a pin and let it all out.
all the next days air.
Well folks, thank you very much indeed for listening.
It's been a pleasure rambling at you.
I hope you enjoyed yourselves.
We'll be back in a couple of weeks or thereabouts.
Yeah.
For more of the same.
Take care.
I love you.
Bye.
Goodbye.